Purell: the Movie

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Bacteria, viruses, microbes, parasites, allergens, heavy metals, toxins. All things that can make you sick and/or kill you.

But thankfully, for those of us born in the more modern nations, we are pretty safe from those things. Despite what the goddamn media and the goddamn pseudoscientists tell us. But it doesn’t stop some people from being paranoid as shit regarding these kinds of things. They’ll wash their hands twenty times a day, or refuse to shake anyone’s hand or open any door knob. People like me.

I have OCD, and I am extremely paranoid about this kinda thing, even though I know there’s no reason to be. So you know I’m the perfect person to do a review of Contagion. The movie about a virus that causes a proper pandemic and leaves the world in a near post-apocalypse. This is going to be fun. Continue reading →

Burton and Robin

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Batman is an unusual character…literally.

He’s a superhero with no superpowers other than being a badass and rich, yet he is one the most popular…ever! Everyone knows who Batman is! He’s just as popular as Superman, Spider-man, or any of the X-men, yet power-wise, he doesn’t even compare. Honestly, put Batman up against Superman, and it’s almost guaranteed that Batman would end up as a red stain on a brick wall.

Part of the reason for this is because most of his success has come from outside the realm of comic books. It all started in 1966, with the Batman television series. You all remember this show, right? Adam West and Burt Ward star as Batman and Robin, two masked vigilantes who fight crazed lunatics in Gotham City. Not exactly high-minded.

The show was well known for its camp. Which I’m pretty sure means cheesiness and overall poor quality. The writing was ridiculous, formulaic and contrived; and that’s why so many people love it…yeah, I’m not sure either.

Eventually, the show was cancelled, but not before a motion picture came out of it with the same cast and the same campy style. I never saw it and I honestly have no desire to. But after the show, and motion picture, Batman’s popularity began to wane. It took 20 years before he rose to prominence again, when director Tim Burton showed the world a darker view of the Caped Crusader, in the 1989 film, simply titled, Batman. Continue reading →

If Jesus Were an Alien

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The phrase “troubled production” is one that’s hard to quantify. One could simply say a small casting or directing change early in a film’s production could fit the bill, or that it would require several script changes and plot ideas before the phrase could become apt.

Alien3 certainly fit the bill. Having several ideas tossed around before they wound up with a film that was basically five or six different concepts thrown into a smoothie maker; and an end result that, while good, could have been a lot better.

There are several people we could blame for these kinds of things. But I’d like to blame Hollywood producers. They tend not to see the bigger picture in these kinds of things and instead just look at how much money it could make at the box office.

Not a bad way to do business, but it results in some really stupid shit happening in the film industry. Like franchises coming back after they most certainly ended. After all, if you were a film exec, would you really let a popular money spinner die just because the plot of the last film required it?

Of course not, which brings us to: Alien Resurrection. Oh, by the way: Spoilers Ho! Continue reading →

Freud Would Have a Field Day

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The horror genre has become cliché. It’s just the same fucking movie over and over again. Sometimes you get an original flick, like 28 Days Later, with its mid-movie twist of like-I’m-gonna-tell-you. But for the most part, it’s pretty much the same movie, remade fifty time. That was the whole premise of Scream, the film that quantified the genre rules by outright stating them.

The fact is, if someone manages to define genre rules, it’s officially cliché. This is especially bad when it comes to horror, which, for the most part, relies on the unexpected.

Even the monsters have become cliché. No matter what film you’re talking about, there are only a few options for antagonists: Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies. No one’s come up with anything more unique. Okay, there are also serial killers, but that’s not from anyone’s imagination, those already exist. The most unique thing anyone’s done with serial killers is give them super-murder-powers, but they’re still just serial killers.

The unoriginality of horror films doesn’t really surprise me though. I recently tried a bit of a thought experiment to come up with a new horror monster by starting with a base fear. Obviously it would be something that wants you dead, for some reason. Biologically those reasons could only be for reproduction or nutrition. Otherwise why would they give a fuck? They would be fast, and stealthy and basically the perfect warrior, and typically attack in massive numbers. To a certain extent, this fits zombies to a tee. Zombies are based on a basic primal fear, one that is likely universal in the truest sense of the word.

But perhaps one could take the zombie model and throw it in a new direction, like space. Unfortunately, that has also been done, by Ridley Scott in Alien. Continue reading →

Dream a Little Dream Within a Dream

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Dreaming, we all do it. But am I the only one who keeps forgetting them?

I hear if you wake up on your own accord, without an alarm, you’ll remember whatever you dreamed that night, but screw that, I got things to do, and a brain that just won’t cooperate.

But still, on occasion, I manage to remember a really good dream the next day. Those are always fun. The ones where I fly around town with Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle as my wingmares. Yes, I know Twilight’s not a pegasus! Shut up! It’s my dream, not yours!

Anyway, dreams are great. They’re the only real time your mind truly runs free, unconstrained by reality or sanity. But the big problem with dreams, is that you really don’t get to share them with others. It’s a solitary experience.

Don’t you wish you and a friend could dream together? Experience the joys of running free in each other’s subconscious and share what you create? Social Dreaming! Wouldn’t that be fun? Wouldn’t that be exciting!?

Unfortunately, we can’t share dreams, it’s simply not possible. Unless we’re Ellen Page in Christopher Nolan’s epic sci-fi heist film: Inception. Continue reading →

My Little Fanservice: My Little Pony season 3 preview

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I’ve said it a million times, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is my favourite TV show that hasn’t been cancelled yet. It’s cute, funny, compelling, and has a stellar cast of characters.

The second season closed just a few months ago, and the community hasn’t responded by dying down. Every day, more fan art and fan fiction is posted to Equestria Daily as we all wait in anticipation for season three. I know I’m looking forward to it. This is a show that’s never failed to impress. With 52 episodes and counting, this show has always remained in top form for its entire run, and it’s all credit to the amazing cast and crew. The voice actors, animators, storyboard artists (including Raven M. Molisee, who I accidentally insulted once), and writers are all hard-working and passionate, and responsible for the high quality content we’ve come to expect out of My Little Pony, and I thank all of them for it. I have no doubt it’ll only get better from this moment forward…right? …right!?

Well…no. It seems what we’re likely going to get instead, is the writers jerking off the fans until they come white hot nerd. Allow me to explain: Continue reading →

Wedding of the Dead: “A Canterlot Wedding” review

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This week featured a very special episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: The last episode…of the season!!! It was the last episode of the season and the one we’ve all been waiting for: A Canterlot Wedding!

I’d like to open by giving a few first impressions. I wasn’t expecting much. In fact, I was expecting it to suck. It’s a wedding! What could possibly be that amazing at a wedding!? Plus, I didn’t have that great a week, so my cynicism was in overdrive, and if you know me you probably also know that it should have killed me.

But an hour later, I had a smile on my face that just wouldn’t go away! I was happy, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. Probably because I’m a hopeless romantic!

Though, that is not to say the episode didn’t have its problems. It certainly did. Let’s run through them! Continue reading →

C.S.I.: Train to Canterlot: “MMMystery on the Friendship Express” review

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This week on My Little Pony, we witness an interesting phenomenon: The application of critical thinking.

Remember back in season one? The episode Feeling Pinkie Keen was all about Pinkie’s precognitive abilities, and Twilight being extremely skeptical, and continually searching for a more logical explanation, but in the end just accepts it without another thought.

This pissed off a lot of skeptics. She should not have just accepted that Pinkie had superpowers, she should have vehemently denied their existence. Well, I disagree, primarily because the events of the entire episode verified Pinkie’s abilities. The thing about the supernatural is this: Skeptics don’t simply not believe it exists because it doesn’t fit any models of known science. We don’t believe because there’s no evidence that it’s anything more than deception.

If you can prove that you can predict the future, beyond any doubt, and can do it over and over again, I will believe you. It’s easy: just tell me what this week’s Lotto numbers are…and do it more than once to prove it’s not just a fluke. After that, we can work on modifying, adding to, or replacing the various physics models we use, so they fit this new evidence.

Prove there are ghosts, and I’ll willingly throw out the Theory of Relativity!

But still, it pissed off a lot of skeptics, and I guess I can understand. It might send the wrong message to children who wouldn’t see the big picture. But this week, it appears they’re making up for it. When we see Pinkie call up her inner Greg House and learn how to be a bit more skeptical…kinda. Continue reading →