Dumbass and Dragons: “Dragon Quest” review

Don’t ever forget, above all else, to know thyself. It’s a very important concept to remember. Know who you are and what you are capable of. I, for instance, know I am an atheist skeptic with a chip on my shoulder. I also have a natural skill in mathematics and I love Earl Grey tea and my cat when she’s not being a pain in the ass.

As part of this, it’s also important to continually try to learn new things about yourself. As they say: you never know until you try. I, for instance, recently discovered: I like coffee. I used to think I hated it. But that was probably because, back then, I was served shit coffee. Apparently, if it’s made right, I actually kinda like it. Funnily enough, I feel the same way about tea.

It is on this note that we begin this week’s episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Spike the dragon is a unique specimen. Like a man raised by wolves (I hear there are a few movies about that), he is fully absorbed in pony culture. So much so that he gets caught in a bit of an identity crisis. He’s a dragon, who doesn’t act like a dragon. So what exactly is he?

The episode opens with Twilight and Rainbow trying to get Fluttershy to join them in watching the Great Dragon Migration, and even though it appeared as if she got over her fear of dragons in Dragonshy. Apparently, it didn’t take for very long. So she refuses to join them. She even goes as far as kicking Rainbow’s ass! Well, that was unexpected. I guess, if nothing else, her assertiveness training two weeks ago did take.

The group (minus Fluttershy) are ready for dragonwatching, setting up a dragon blind on the outskirts of Ponyville. Unfortunately, Rarity is a lot of things, but subtle she is not. I’m slowly growing to like her again though…I’m not sure why. I find it funny that somepony with an attention to detail won’t notice that garish pink, purple, yellow, and orange “camouflage,” would defeat the purpose of camouflage.

Just as she arrives, so do the dragons. Dozens, if not hundreds of dragons of varying colours, just like ponykind, funnily enough, fly by our heroes strutting their stuff. The girls are impressed, and Spike, who apparently just appeared out of nowhere with cupcakes and cookies, wearing a pink apron, comments on how bad-ass dragons are. The contrast is not lost on the girls, as they point out that Spike is a lot of things, but bad-ass he is not.

Rarity tries to defend him, but unfortunately, it does more to harm Spike’s psyche, than help it. Especially this line: “Isn’t it adorable when he waddles off in anger!?” Yes, very. Though I must say, no guy likes to hear a girl call him adorable, or say that he waddles. At least I don’t think so.

Spike fails to get any sleep that night, as he ponders who exactly he is. Twilight explains he was given to her as an egg, which I guess establishes that she raised him, and not Celestia as Faust once said.

So the two decide to spend all night reading everything they can on dragons, which, out of Twilight’s Library, turns out to be nothing. Apparently it’s rare for ponies to get close to dragons, so not much is known about them. Which explains the events of the last Spike episode.

Spike refuses to give up, so he decides to try to catch-up with the Dragon migration to better know his brethren, and himself. Rarity and Rainbow, who apparently were hanging out that day, for some odd reason, arrive to invite Twilight to breakfast, as Spike announces this. So the two of them try to talk him out of it, but Twilight disagrees and lets him go. However after Spike leaves, the trio decide to follow him, because they’re nosy, and they suck. If you ask me, this should have been something he did alone.

I’d like to know what exactly these two were doing together before they arrived at Twilight’s. Some elicit affair? Unlikely. Was Rainbow requisitioning a dress from Rarity? More likely, but I don’t know why. Perhaps she’s going on a date with a lucky stallion and want’s to look her best! I wouldn’t put it past her. After all, Rainbow Dash always dresses in style…you know…when she actually dresses.

Anyway, due to his lack of wings, Spike has to follow the migration on foot, going pretty far to do it. Across dangerous passages, and treacherous conditions, before finally arriving at his destination: the caldera of a volcano for some reason.

Meanwhile, Rarity, Rainbow and Twilight have been following Spike the entire time, which makes me sad, because that means they had to go through all the shit he went through. I assume they weren’t wearing the dragon costume Rarity designed the entire time, otherwise they would already be dead. It looks pretty cumbersome.

Spike introduces himself to a bunch of teenage dragons in an attempt to gain approval…or something. Very quickly he learns that these dragons kinda suck, like the stereotypical pricks you find in high school; and since he acts timid and scared, they prey on it. They make fun of his height (or lack thereof) and wings (or lack thereof). Then, when they find out he lives in Ponyville and was raised by ponies…it’s like ringing a dinner bell. Doesn’t he know they can smell weakness!?

They begin to hold some traditional dragon games, like the classic Belching Contest, where Spike coincidentally burps a letter from Celestia. Which causes the other dragons to mock him for being “pen pals with a namby pamby pony princess.” This is Celestia we’re talking about. The one responsible for raising the fucking sun everyday. Show a bit of respect you cunt.

Besides, Spike had a perfect rebuttal to that which he didn’t use.

Spike: Pen pal? I’m not her ‘pen pal’, I’m her official scribe. That’s my job, that’s how I make a living…what do you do again!?

Anyone who would disrespect someone for having a job, is a fucking idiot. Besides, they’re going to respect you for standing up for yourself…I think.

Next is Tail Wrestling, which is essentially Tail Tug-o-war. However Spike only wins because his opponent threw the contest, and his opponent is Twi-rar-bow-dragon.

I’m glad that Rarity’s disguise was more accurate than they thought, after we see a dragon that looks similar to it, though it appears to be mentally disabled. You know, given recent events, I have a feeling this episode will also be edited. The good news is that the fans will be less pissed off about it.

Next, the dragons play King of the Horde. Where the winner is the one at the top of a mountain of gems, and everyone tries to knock him off. Spike manages to get to the top and stay there for a full five seconds before slipping and falling off.

Finally, it’s one more contest, a dive in the hot springs…and by hot springs, I mean fucking lava! Good to know, dragons are lava-proof. Spike is hesitant at first, but eventually dives in, barely making a ripple. So he fails the contest, but the fact that he dove into the molten rock gives him enough cred, and he earns the dragons’ respect. They party all night.

You know what bugs me? No female dragons. You’re telling me, not only are male ponies rarer than a Texas liberal, but so are female dragons? Is every species in Equestria completely dominated by one gender or the other? Even if she didn’t say a word, just sat in the background, that would have been great. They could have even just switched the genders of one of the dragons, no big deal. That white and pink dragon would have made an excellent girl. I guess they don’t want to give the impression that boys and girls can befriend each other…seriously, what the hell!?

Anyway, the dragons then decide to bring Spike on a raid. Which essentially means they’re going to steal a few Phoenix eggs. Spike’s reaction of horror and fear kinda reminded me of a personal story. When I was really young, my mom and I went to the beach and I met a guy who might have been a bit older than me, I’m not sure. We began hanging out, and eventually he revealed one of his pastimes was using frogs for batting practice. If, at this point, you have a feeling of fear, disgust, and anger, don’t worry, it’s only means you have a working soul. I probably should have confronted him on this, but I said nothing, primarily because at this point, I was frightened for my life. I assume, now, he has a very lucrative career as a sociopathic serial killer or hitman. Seriously, I don’t know what kind of human would do something like that, as a form of entertainment, but whoever they are, they have serious mental problems. No one, and I mean no one, who’s sane, enjoys taking the life of another creature. Of course there are recreational hunters, but they don’t hunt because they enjoy killing. They hunt because they enjoy the thrill of the hunt; and the end results, a hearty dinner…at least, I hope that’s why they do it. Where’s the thrill of the hunt in throwing a frog in the air and hitting it with a bat!?

Anyway, I was thinking of all that while I watched this scene.

Spike manages to lure the parents away from the nest as the other dragons go to steal the eggs, surprised to find them already hatched. Of course the babies are pretty clever and go all Bugs Bunny on their asses!

The babies get away and call for their parents and all the phoenixes manage to fly away together. Except for one unhatched egg, which falls out of the nest and is found by Spike. It quickly reminds him of him. He was just an egg, found by ponies, no one knows who his parents are. Much like the little phoenix egg. So when the other dragons tell him to smash it (remember my story?) he refuses. Good man.

The dragons don’t take this lightly, but Twi-rar-bow-dragon comes to save the day, and a quick teleport later, they get away, and at the end of the day Spike learns that his race has little to nothing to do with who he is. Which is an extremely valuable lesson for everyone to learn.

As Penn Jillette once put it: “Stop seeing yourself as white or black or even American! Be yourself and fuck the tribe!” It’s the best solution to racism I’ve ever heard, and it’s a good way to live. Don’t let your ancestry dictate who you are.

I don’t think it was wrong of Spike to learn about his brethren, it was obviously a learning experience, but I don’t think it was a good idea to try to change who he was to please a bunch of jackasses; and that’s another thing, there was a second lesson that should have been included in the closing scene: “Dress however you want, be whoever you want, but you don’t have to be part of a group.” – Gladstone

So, as the episode ends, the egg hatches and a phoenix named Peewee is born. Which means Spike gets a pet of his own. What’s next!? Each of the Cutie Mark Crusaders get a pet!? Actually, I’d love to see that. Scoots would get a budgerigar; Sweetie Belle would get a hamster; and Apple Bloom would get a betta fish, and then she would learn you shouldn’t keep two males in the same tank…gah!

Next week, Fluttershy gets another episode. Every pegasus in Ponyville is needed to help with a major weather project…and I mean every pegasus. Fluttershy needs to step up, but will she!?

Yes…yes she will. Come on Fluttershy!!! Kick some ass!!!


8 responses to “Dumbass and Dragons: “Dragon Quest” review

  1. “who apparently were hanging out that day, for some odd reason”
    Because they’re friends?

    “which I guess establishes that she raised him, and not Celestia as Faust once said.”
    Maybe, maybe not. We don’t know how long she kept him after that, or whether she raised him.

    On female dragons, maybe the Migration is only for males, like with penguins.

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