-that doesn’t fit. Who cares I need something! Anyway, I think it’s safe to say I love the vampire mythos. Why? Vampires are a general cornucopia of drama. They combine the fear of zombies with the intelligence of the modern man. Imagine you are a zombie but you are fully aware of it and in complete control of your body, not a mindless automaton, oh and your body is not decaying so you can “live” forever. This makes them, in a way, tortured souls and more importantly, victims. They were once human, often forcibly turned vampire by another vampire (making them victims), but often times they become perpetrators out of necessity because of their dependence on human blood.

I often times find these characters interesting and I’ve noticed each author has their own take on the concept. Buffy the Vampire Slayer has vampires lose their soul when they are turned causing them to all become evil, this takes away the concept of morality in the vampires, I think makes it less interesting. Blade has Vampires that are not immortal but age very very slowly and can reproduce sexually, making not all the vampires victims.

But my favourite would have to be the Vampires from Moonlight, a cancelled-too-soon CBS drama about an 85 year-old (though he was turned in his 30s and he hasn’t aged since) vampire named Mick St. John who hates being a vampire. He’s a good guy, and a constant thread of the short-lived show was his desire to find a cure. There was also a plot involving him dating another character, Beth, who he saved from his vampire ex-wife 22 years prior, which brings up the interesting question: since he is 55 years her senior does that make him a dirty old man robbing the cradle, or because he hasn’t aged in the past 55 years does that mean they are the same age and it’s all moot? It’s kind of similar to the question: Is sex with a robot actual sex or is it masturbation? Unfortunately this question is never brought up which kind of bugs me.

Anyway, the vampires in Moonlight have interesting characteristics: Normal food is tasteless and doesn’t sustain them. Garlic and Wolfsbane have no effect on them, same with holy water and crucifixes. Stake through the heart only paralyses them and in the long run will only piss them off once someone removes it. Sunlight only weakens them and basically causes dehydration so eventually they need to sustain themselves by drinking blood. We’re introduced to all the rules in the pilot episode through a fantasy interview by the protagonist. It’s an interesting take and I really do wish they continued the show. The more I think about it the more pissed I get, especially considering it ended with more loose ends then an unravelled blanket.

But what pisses me off even more is while this show was cancelled before the first season even really finished, Twilight is such a big hit when it is really a crappy, less mature version of Moonlight.

Quick disclaimer: I have not seen Twilight or New Moon, nor have I read any of the books, nor do I have any desire to. This franchise has been given bad review, after bad review, after bad review, after bad review, after bad review, and even if I wanted to torture myself I’d simply put my nuts in a vice because it would be cheaper and it would waste less time. Now, looking at Twilight it’s not surprising that it gets so many bad reviews, it’s a teen drama featuring vampires, and the terms teen and drama should not go together. It may work for actual teenagers but once you turn 18 you should notice that whatever trials you go through as a teenager pale in comparison to trying to get a job in a shitty economy and struggling to feed yourself and/or your family. That’s nothing compared to finding out your high school girlfriend has blown the entire football team. Primarily because a rational adult would dump her and move on with their life. So of course Twilight has a very specific demographic and anyone outside that demographic won’t like it.

But for me there is only one reason I hate Twilight and if author Stephanie Mayer didn’t put this in her books I might actually be interested in seeing it. THE VAMPIRES FUCKING SPARKLE!!!! Now of course in every vampire mythos the vampires are creatures of the night and the writers need to create a reason for the vampires to avoid sunlight. Most of the time the sun causes them harm, either it creates nasty sunburns or causes them to burst into flames or as I mentioned in Moonlight, it simply weakens them. In Twilight the sun causes the vampires to sparkle. So basically they are gay, and by gay I don’t mean happy or homosexual, I mean stupid and dumb and annoying and stupid and most importantly, nonsensical. Why would they avoid the sun if all it does is make them sparkle? I guess it’s a little embarrassing and brings a lot of attention to them, but all they need to do is say a friend pulled a nasty prank and they can still hunt and feed during the day, in fact it would cause people to underestimate them. If a crazy man covered in glitter came and attacked you, you would be too busy laughing to defend yourself. Besides, they could probably develop a cream that could cover it up. You know like make-up does. But the worst part is, it takes away any sense of the vampire’s dark nature. Even if they are the most bad-ass vampires this side of Brooklyn, the moment you mention they sparkle in the sunlight all sense of bad-assness is rendered moot. So-yeah, they suck.

Then there is the subtitle they are giving the Twilight movie sequels, calling them the Twilight Saga. Saga!? I’m sorry and I know I’m nitpicking here but the term “saga” tends to imply epicness, which I doubt Twilight has. Star Wars was a saga, Star Trek, a saga, Harry Potter, a saga, Godzilla, a saga, X-Men, a saga, Twilight, not a saga. Do the events in Twilight affect millions of people, even remotely? I doubt it. It’s just a story about a little girl who begins dating a vampire. The only way it can be described as a saga is if somehow the entire world learns about vampires because of this girl and humanity decides to hunt them down. They’re easy to spot, just look for the glitter. But I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen. So, if Twilight is considered a saga, than so is The O.C.. So, yes in the minds of the self-centred and obnoxious characters, no to everyone else, specifically those who exists in reality.

I could probably come up with more complaints if I actually read the books or saw the movies, like how Mayer is a hack writer who created the character of Bella as her author insertion fantasy persona. Basically writing the books as her own personal masturbation material. But I really can’t do that until I actually read the books or watch the movies first hand. So since that’s not going to happen until I suffer a severe cranial injury and mentally revert to a 12-year-old girl, I’m going to end this here.

Vampires kick more ass than Chuck Norris, and the only thing more awesome is Vampire Chuck Norris, and we need more awesome vampires and more sympathetic and likable vampires in fantasy fiction. So in the end I guess I’m saying, bring back Moonlight and give Chuck Norris a guest spot as a vampire. Fuckin’ A!