Lewis Black:
“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch MTV and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.”
Ed Byrne:
“I try to be a people person, but people fucking annoy me.”
George Carlin:
“We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
“We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher’s attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters”
“I think the young testosterone full men. People think that’s manhood, because that’s who all advertising is targetted towards, but it’s not, that’s being a young chimp with a boner. To me, a real man raises kids or is a grown-up. Until you’re changing a diaper while you’re driving, that’s a real man.”
Joycelyn Elders, Former Surgeon General of the United States:
“I’m against abstinence programs because I really consider ‘abstinence only’ child abuse.”
“We know that more than 70 to 80% of women masturbate, and 90% of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”
Stephen Fry:
“The greatest insult to humanism is this idea that mankind needs a god in order to have a moral framework.”
Thomas Jefferson:
“Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have…the course of history shows that as government grows, liberty decreases.”
“In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own”
Penn Jillette:
“Real scientists spend most of their lives finding nothing. When they find stuff, it’s really sexy because it’s real.”
“When you criminalize things that aren’t real crimes, you still create real criminals.”
“[If we end drug prohibition] We’d have fewer victimless criminals clogging our prisons. The courts, police and lawyers whould have time and money to deal with real crime, we’d take away the huge black market profits from the bad guys, we’ll be able to ease some suffering, we could seriously reduce the tranmission of HIV and Hepititis, we could control the quality and dosages so fewer people would get sick, through contamination and overdose.”
“I’ve never taken a recreational drug, NEVER! Not one hit, inhaled or not off a joint. Never even had a single sip of alcohol. But I’m sure not going to spend money or come to your door with a gun to stop you from getting stoned, and listen to the Greatful Dead noodle. It’s your life, just say the fuck out of my house, all of you, the potheads, and the government.”
“Relax! We’re all gonna die!”
“Here’s the first rule of bullshit: If somebody says ‘there ought to be a law,’ there probably oughtn’t.”
“Remember this: There’s no such thing as ‘Holier than thou,’ we’re all just people sharing a short time together, making the best of this mysterious experiance we call life. Take that adoration and give it to something beautiful, that deserves it, jazz for example, and don’t waste it on faith!”
“It’s fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history, and pizza.”
“If we start arresting everyone for being miserable due to a bad decision, we need to cuff everyone who chose to see a Pauly Shore movie!”
“It’s impossible to tell what’s happening inside another person. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell what’s happening inside ourselves.”
“In the matter of war and peace, how you feel doesn’t matter, it’s whether or not you swing the axe; and so far the only proven way of stopping war long-term has been letting people buy and sell from eachother. It doesn’t sound all that noble, right? I want your blue jeans and you want my rock and roll. But it is noble, maybe the noblest form of respect you can show! It means I respect the fact that the jeans are yours and you that the music is mine. It means you achknowledge and respect my most fundamental rights…and if we trade long enough and respect eachother’s rights long enough, maybe we start to give ourselves the chance to be friends.”
“…and we believe, that you believe, that believing is all it takes to make something real.”
“Oh! You want the kind of competitiveness where nobody really tries to win, so everybody ends up an equal asshole loser, and everything sucks for everyone. We call that socialism.”
James V O’Connor: Does the individual rights have precedence over societies all and the welfare of the community?
Penn Jillette: Hello! Yes! It is the cornerstone of our Constitution and our society in the United States.
“You can’t stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws…that’s insane!”
“Believeing something sincerely, without finding out if it’s true is actually a little worse than lying. It shits on the very idea of truth. To lie, you have to understand how to find out the truth, and then choose to fake it. To be sincere you don’t have to know anything you just say what makes you feel good and spin in smug circles in your tiny, fucked up little head, happy as long as you’re true to yourself.”
“Anything illegal is dangerous because…IT’S ILLEGAL!”
“Circumstances of birth are nothing more than random and should never be a source of pride or shame.”
“Want to really get rid of this bullshit racism? Stop seeing yourself as white or black or even American! Be yourself and fuck the tribe! Not just yours, fuck everyone’s tribe. Everyone Fuck Everyone. In a few more generations, no more races so no more racism.”
“Worrying about things that are unlikely is a waste of precious life.”
“Why do they think that sex is something bad? After all, none of us would be here if it weren’t for sex, we need to get that into our heads. Everyone in our family, even grandma, was doing some fucking, and maybe liking it.”
“Duty to god ahead of country, others, and self, is the credo of suicide bombers.”
“Sure, we lie, cheat, and swindle. We’ve been known to deal in a bit of bullshit ourselves. So some of you may ask, ‘Why pee on someone else’s parade?’ One important difference: We tell you we’re lying!”
“‘There were many more boys than girls who were abused, not because the priests are gay, but because they had more access to boys.’ What a relief, that they’re just child-rapists, and not gay.” – Real Time, 2011-05-20
2010 State of the Union:
“From some on the right I expect we’ll hear a different argument; that if we just make fewer investments in our people, extend tax cuts, including those for the wealthier Americans, eliminate more regulations, maintain the status quo on healthcare, our deficits will go away. The problem is, that’s what we did for eight years.”
“We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions.”
“It’s time to try something new…let’s try common sense…a novel concept.”
“We all hated the bank bailout…I hated it, you hated it, it was about as popular as a root canal.”
“They’re tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness. They know we can’t afford it, not now.”
Talking to GOP House Issues Conference
“I don’t believe that the American people want us to focus on our job security, they want us to focus on their job security.”
“There are things more important than good poll numbers”
“What’s required by all of us…is to do what’s right for our country, even if it’s not always what’s best for our politics.”
“Our future shouldn’t be shaped by what’s best for our politics, our politics should be shaped by what’s best for our future.”
“When you say I ought to be willing to accept republican ideas on healthcare, let’s be clear: I have.”
“We have to choose whether we we’re going to be politicians first, or partners for progress; whether we’re going to put success of the polls ahead of the lasting success we can achieve together for America.”
“If you’re calling for just across the board tax cuts and then on the other hand, saying that we’re somehow going to balance our budget, I’m going to want to take a look at your math, and see how that works.”
“Wasteful spending is usually spent somehow outside of your district. Have you noticed that? The spending in your district tends to seem pretty sensible.”
“We can’t operate the coal industry in the United States as if we’re still in the 1920’s or the 1930’s or the 1950’s, we’ve got to be thinking: “what does that industry look like in the next hundred years?” and it’s going to be different, and that means there’s going to be transition, and that’s where I think a well thought through policy of incentivizing the new while, you know, recognizing that there’s going to be a transition process and we’re not just suddenly putting the old out of business right away.”
“The challenge I guess I would have for you as a freshman is: what are you doing inside your caucus to make sure that I’m not the only guy that’s responsible for this stuff? So that we’re working together.”
“Just the fact that it’s my administration that’s proposing it, shouldn’t prevent [the opposition] from supporting it.”
“I think Paul Ryan’s a pretty sincere guy and has a beautiful family…and by the way, in case he’s going to get a Republican challenge: I didn’t mean it. Don’t want to hurt you, man.”
“I am not a democrat, I’m not a republican, I don’t believe in it. I believe all it does is split us in two, makes us pissed at eachother instead of the people that are actually screwing things up.”
“If you are so far left you actually believe that somebody oaes you a job, citizenship and a free heart transplant…you’re mentally ill; and if you’re so far right you believe somebody who doesn’t have a job and who’s not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay…mentally ill.”
“When did we start giving out trophies for sucking? Because I would have been a legend!”
“‘The Village’ is dead. We give a crap about one thing, ourselves and that’s it man.”
“My father truly believed, it took a Village to raise a child, and every village needed a rogue sherriff, who played by his own rules.”
“By the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety, did you know that? You’re supposed to be worried that the rent’s not going to get paid, because that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!”
“War is war; destruction is destruction. You think this is obvious. But war is not destruction, it is victory. To achieve victory, simply appear to give the opponent what he wants and he will go away, or join you in your quest for additional power.” – Datatech Sinder Roze, “Information Burns”
Stargate:
Major John Sheppard: I think people who don’t want to fly are crazy.
Brigadier General Jack O’Neill: And I think people who don’t want to go through the Stargate are equally as whacked.
“Look, the universe may seem mystical to those without understanding when in truth anything and everything can be quantified.” – Rodney McKay
“I mean, to me, life is about working towards achievement, you know? Discovering things…I mean, once you know it all, what do you do then?” – Rodney McKay
Star Trek:
“The best thing about life at sea Will was that no one could reach you. This was freedom, Will.” – Picard
Borg Queen: “They left behind their trivial, selfish lives, and they’ve been reborn with a greater purpose. We’ve delivered them from chaos into order.”
Seven of Nine: “Comforting words. Use them next time instead of ‘Resistance is futile.’ You may elicit a few volunteers.”
“There are three things to remember about being a starship captain: keep your shirt tucked in, go down with the ship, and never abandon a member of your crew.” – Janeway
“Imagination frees the mind, it inspires ideas and solutions and it can provide a great deal of pleasure. Human progress…the human mind itself couldn’t exist without them.” – Janeway
“Some professors like students who challenge their assumptions B’Elanna, as so do some captains.” – Captain Janeway
“An open mind, the essence of intellect.” – Garak
“Some of the darkest chapters in the history of my world involved the forced relocation of a small group of people to satisfy the demands of a large one.” – Picard
“This is no time to be arguing about time! We don’t have the time!” – Deanna Troi
Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling…anxiety, it is an intriguing sensation. A most distracting-
Picard: Data, I’m sure it’s a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now.
Data: Good idea sir…done.
Picard: Data, there are times that I envy you.
“FACTS BE DAMNED! Names, dates, places, it’s all open to interpretation, who’s to say what really happened, and ultimately, what difference does it make? What matters is today, and the future of your people.” – The Doctor
“Believing oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional mind.” – Data
“I won’t risk half the quadrant to satisfy our curiosity, it’s arrogant and it’s irresponsible. The final frontier has some boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed, and we’re looking at one.” – Janeway
Jadzia Dax: “The magnetic deflection of a runabout’s hull is extremely weak. The probes will never be able to detect it.”
Miles O’Brien: “They will if I outfit them with a differential magnetometer.”
Jadzia Dax: “A differential magnetometer?”
Miles O’Brien: “Mm-hmm.”
Jadzia Dax: “I’ve never heard of a differential magnetometer. How does it work?”
Miles O’Brien: “I’ll let you know as soon as I finish making one.”
Data: “Oh yes! I hate this! It is revolting!”
Guinan: “More?”
Data: “Please.”
“They feared me so much they had to lock me away for eternity, and when they did that they were saying that the individual’s rights will be protected only so long as they don’t conflict with the state. Nothing is so dangerous to a society.” – Quinn
“If you want my professional opinion, as ship’s counselor… he’s nuts!” – Deanna Troi
“Don’t let them promote you. Don’t let them transfer you, don’t let them do anything that takes you off the bridge of that ship, because while you’re there, you can make a difference.” – Kirk to Picard
“If you want to achieve faster-than-light travel, let Haruhi on your spaceship. She’ll simply ignore the theory of relativity for you.” – Kyon
“It’s unfair to deny them their essential humanity, just because they’ve lived longer then us…that’s insane.” – Alex Flag, Executive Editor, celebuzz.com
“I don’t work out because we don’t know yet enough about the long-term effects. It appears that each hour of exercise may add two hours to one’s life – but I don’t know of any evidence that this leads to getting better ideas.” – Marvin Minsky, pioneer of Artificial Intelligence at MIT
“A person who is prone to act on his fantasies will likely do so irrespective of the availability of pornography.” – Duncan Shaw, former British Columbia Supreme Court Justice
“As long as there has been one true god there has been killing in his name.” – Someone From The DaVinci Code
“There’s only one legitimate reason to levy a tax, and that’s to raise money. Anything you try to accomplish with taxes other than raising money is a corruption.” – Dick Armey, former United States House of Representatives Majority Leader
“The best thing parents could do would be just to try to remember what it feels like to be a kid, from time to time.” – Judith Levine, author of Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children From Sex
“What’s the difference between bad intelligence and gossip? It’s like “He’s got WMD’s,” and “I think he broke up with somebody!” – Garry Shandling
“Governors have no right to seek and take what they please; instead of being content with the station assigned them, that of honourable servants of society, they instead become absolute masters, despots, and tyrants.” – Samuel Adams
“I’m into the indie scene now! I’ll be off listening to bands you kids have never even heard of! And then…when they go major…I’ll be there to complain about how they sold out!” – Uzuki Yashiro from The World Ends With You
“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” – Salvor Hardin (Foundation by Issac Asimov)
“Unless you’re Deep Throat or in the Witness Protection Program anonymity is cowardice. You’re in a mob, you’re lobbing smack from the cheap seats!” – Will McAvoy (The Newsroom)
“I’m too old to be governed by fear of dumb people.” – Charlie Skinner (The Newsroom)
“Sometimes the only kind option for some animals is to put them to sleep forever.” – Ingrid Newkirk, Founder and President of P.E.T.A.
“I want a leader I can relate to, who’s like me or worse.” – Rob Riggle
“People are so easily offended, and they believe they have the right, if they are offended, to shut the person up who offends them.” – David French, former President of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education
“I actually went on TV the other day and said that ‘so this proves that you know the mac is just as vulnerable to attack as anything else’ and immediately I got emails saying what I had said was ‘disgusting’.” – Lance Ulanoff, after CanSecWest ’08 where a Mac was hacked in 12 minutes.
“Most of them are clinically insane.” – John C. Dvorak, referring to Mac fanboys
“We have socialism for the rich and capitalism for everybody else.” – Robert Reich, author, Supercapitalism
“Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fuckin’ fool…No normal, decent person is one thing.” – Chris Rock
“People say: ‘this has already been reported.’ Well actually it hasn’t been reported, and I know, because I reported on it the first time.” – Tucker Carlson
“False Dichotomy: This is when you say there are only two choices when actually there are more. For instance you might say that someone is either alive or they’re dead, ignoring the fact that they might be Dracula, or you might say that if someone’s not a Democrat then they must be some sort of Republican, ignoring the very real possibility that they could be Dracula. The most common usage of this fallacy is in the phrase, ‘You’re either with us or against us, Dracula.’ Dracula’s against you.” – Lore Sjoberg, professional sarcast (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyK1LTfLXiM)
“I think the best comedy is always offending somebody.” – David Mirkin, Producer, The Simpsons
“One of the things I love about current fandom is that people are so invested in the show that they are willing to criticise the show to our faces.” – Matt Groening, creator, The Simpsons
“I have a thousand friends and I feel more alone than ever.” – Lisa Simpson
“Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.” – Marge Simpson
“Governors have no right to seek and take what they please.”
“Anything that’s good for political writers is bad for humanity.” – P.J. O’Rourke
“A person is smart, people are dumb, panicy, dangerous animals and you know it!” – Agent K
“If you want to play it safe, you’re not going to have liberty.” – Ron Collins
“These Mac fanboys are clearly masochists that’ll just take as much abuse as Apple is willing to throw their way.” – Dan Goodin, Register
“If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.”
“I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god.”
“People think of humor as being frivolous. But it’s not. It’s just a different kind of wisdom.” – Dennis Miller
“Lackluster Video takes a strong moral stance against pornography, open mindedness and non-Christians.”
“I brought my guitar if you’re nice to me I’ll play you a song, if you’re not nice to me I’ll play you a song by Creed.” – Rob Paravonian
Lisa: Why can’t you just admit we’re lost?
Bart: I’ll tell you what’s lost: your sense of adventure.
Lisa: Just ask those guys for directions.
Kearney: Hmm. Anti-nuclear activist Dr. Helen Caldicott? Director Julie Taymor? Do you love these women?
Jimbo: They’re okay, I guess.
Dolph: Let’s just skip to the Windsor knot instructions.
Lisa: Excuse me, boys. My brother is lost, and kind of a jerk. If he’d brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we would…
Bart: Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don’t have to come home to you!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, don’t say things you can’t take back.
Bart: It’s out there. Deal with it!
Lisa: Oh, great. Now you woke the baby.
Bart: I told you we should have left her with your mother!
Lisa: My God, Bart, what happened to us?
Bart: We grew up.
No Prestige 