Favourate Quotations

Index of sources:
Lewis Black
Ed Byrne
George Carlin
Louis C.K.
Richard Dawkins
Joycelyn Elders
Stephen Fry
Gladstone
Adam Hills
Dr. Gregory House
Thomas Jefferson
Penn Jillette
Bill Maher
Randall Monroe
President Barack Obama
Jon Stewart
Christopher Titus
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Ben “Yahtzee” Crowshaw
Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri
Stargate
Star Trek
Other


Lewis Black:
“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch MTV and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.”

“A father and two sons run Adelphia. It’s a cable company. And they take from the company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people… THREE people took a billion dollars…a billion. What were they gonna do!? Start their own space program!? ‘Let’s send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'”

“TOTAL FAT! Total fuck fat in water! What that implies is that there’s water, with chunks of fat in it, and I got to find that water ’cause that’s the tasty goddamn water.”

“Here’s the kicker, you’re gonna love this: scientists have begun to experiment to find out the effects of water on our system, and guess what…we’re probably drinking too much water, and by the sound of your reaction, I realize that some of you are FUCKED! You’ve been scarfing this shit down, you’ve been yelling ‘look at me, look at me, my pee has no color!’ That’s because you’ve pissed all the nutrients in your brain away, and you’re lucky that your head hasn’t caved in.”

“A lot of country and western music is SHIT! A lot of it is based on old Jerry Springer episodes.”

“Government is not a word, it’s people, it’s people who do the job…If we’re the greatest country on earth, maybe we can have the greatest government.”

“The bottom line is, is that…nobody knows…nobody knows shit about health.”

“They try to come up with these general rules of health, and they can’t do it, it’s impossible to do, because everybody’s health is different, what’s good for one of you will kill the person sitting next to you! Every one of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else! Completely! Because we…are all like snowflakes.”

“The good die young, but pricks live forever!”

“Rescuing the princess is for pussies!”

“I noticed it odd the other night, the fact that we elected Obama, and you have Harper, you guys are jealous.”

“There’s no such thing as ‘bad language’… We are adults, these are the words that we use to express frustration, rage, anger. In order that we don’t pick up a tire iron and beat the shit out of someone.”


Ed Byrne:
“I try to be a people person, but people fucking annoy me.”


George Carlin:
“We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher’s attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters”


Louis C.K.:
“The shittiest cell phone in the world is a fucking miracle.”

“I think the young testosterone full men. People think that’s manhood, because that’s who all advertising is targetted towards, but it’s not, that’s being a young chimp with a boner. To me, a real man raises kids or is a grown-up. Until you’re changing a diaper while you’re driving, that’s a real man.”


Richard Dawkins:
“If the only reason you do good is because you’re afraid of being watched by the great surveillance camera in the sky, you’re afraid of going to hell if you do bad and you want to go to heaven, that’s a pretty ignoble reason for doing good. People who do good for the sake of doing good are the one’s we should really respect.”

“I’ve been around interviewing psychics and mystics and new age people talking about ley line and things, and one of the things I’ve noticed is that they love lifting jargon from modern physics especially, they love quantum theory, they talk about quantum energy, and energy vortexes, and quantum vibrations and things. They haven’t the foggiest idea what quantum theory is all about, but it sort of sounds good, it has a good sort of emotional resonance. So they’re actually using science and turning it into a kind of distorted, quasi scientific religion.”

“What (theists) do is simply stick their fingers in their ears and say la la la. They know what’s true because it’s in the holy book. I mean the most extreme case is the geologist Kurt Wise who has a PhD in geology from Harvard and said ‘if all the evidence in the universe pointed towards an old earth I would be the first to admit it, but I would still be a young earth creationist because that is what holy scripture teaches me.’ You cannot argue with a mind like that. A mind like that, it seems to me, is…well…a disgrace to the human species.”


Joycelyn Elders, Former Surgeon General of the United States:
“I’m against abstinence programs because I really consider ‘abstinence only’ child abuse.”

“We know that more than 70 to 80% of women masturbate, and 90% of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”


Stephen Fry:
“The greatest insult to humanism is this idea that mankind needs a god in order to have a moral framework.”

“You can’t just say there is a god because the world is beautiful, you have to account for bone cancer in children.”

“The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in anyway a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just fucking lunatic.”


Adam Hills:
“What kind of a world do we live in which a one-legged man can’t call himself a spastic in front of his own queen!?”


Dr. Gregory House:
“You gave birth to a freak of nature, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to treat him like one.”

“You talk to god, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”


Gladstone:
Steve Jobs: We’ve learned so much with the first iPhone, we’ve taken everything we’ve learned and more and we’ve created the iPhone 3G.
Gladstone: Of course that was back in 2007 then Steve took the 3G, locked it in a vault and released the first iPhone with all that nice, built in obsolescence.

“David Letterman didn’t sexualize Bristol Palin, her boyfriend did, and not with a throwaway monologue joke but with, you know, his penis.”

“So you’re calling the Muppets anti-corporate communists, but you’d like them to have a movie about sharing instead. You don’t really know what words mean, do you?”

“Saying a 24 foot statue of Jesus has a hint of religion, is like saying MySpace has a hint of pedophiles, or the people at Cinibon have a hint of morbid obesity, or the personal computer belonging to Michelle Bachman’s husband has a hint of hidden penis JPEGs…it’s like saying your iPhone has a hint of chinese child sweat, or that the Occupy Wall Street crowd has a hint of pachuli stench, or even that the anchors of Fox & Friends have a hint of Roger Ailes all over their facesLike Steve Jobs has a hint of not being alive, like Mel Gibson has a hint of a loud phone voice, like the highschool down the street has a hint of my picture on file.”

“Dress however you want, be whoever you want, but you don’t have to be part of a group, and anyone who tells you differently is just some weak, herd-mentality loser.”

“CNN, what you’re doing isn’t progressive or diplomatic or even a good idea. You’re not the internet, You’re not the voice of the people and once more, you shouldn’t be. Trust me, I write for the internet, we’re retarded. We speak in anagrams and emoticons and sentence fragments. We like watching people fall down and make asses of themselves. If you don’t watch what you’re doing you’re going to end up running segments where random jackasses point at stupid crap and giggle.”


Thomas Jefferson:
“Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have…the course of history shows that as government grows, liberty decreases.”

“In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own”


Penn Jillette:
“Real scientists spend most of their lives finding nothing. When they find stuff, it’s really sexy because it’s real.”

“When you criminalize things that aren’t real crimes, you still create real criminals.”

“[If we end drug prohibition] We’d have fewer victimless criminals clogging our prisons. The courts, police and lawyers whould have time and money to deal with real crime, we’d take away the huge black market profits from the bad guys, we’ll be able to ease some suffering, we could seriously reduce the tranmission of HIV and Hepititis, we could control the quality and dosages so fewer people would get sick, through contamination and overdose.”

“I’ve never taken a recreational drug, NEVER! Not one hit, inhaled or not off a joint. Never even had a single sip of alcohol. But I’m sure not going to spend money or come to your door with a gun to stop you from getting stoned, and listen to the Greatful Dead noodle. It’s your life, just say the fuck out of my house, all of you, the potheads, and the government.”

“Relax! We’re all gonna die!”

“Here’s the first rule of bullshit: If somebody says ‘there ought to be a law,’ there probably oughtn’t.”

“Remember this: There’s no such thing as ‘Holier than thou,’ we’re all just people sharing a short time together, making the best of this mysterious experiance we call life. Take that adoration and give it to something beautiful, that deserves it, jazz for example, and don’t waste it on faith!”

“It’s fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history, and pizza.”

“If we start arresting everyone for being miserable due to a bad decision, we need to cuff everyone who chose to see a Pauly Shore movie!”

“When you’re in a movie and you claim you’re a different person, that’s alright. When you claim it on your passport…”

“It terrifies me that people will pretend that their only morality is this fear of god.”

“It’s impossible to tell what’s happening inside another person. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell what’s happening inside ourselves.”

“In the matter of war and peace, how you feel doesn’t matter, it’s whether or not you swing the axe; and so far the only proven way of stopping war long-term has been letting people buy and sell from eachother. It doesn’t sound all that noble, right? I want your blue jeans and you want my rock and roll. But it is noble, maybe the noblest form of respect you can show! It means I respect the fact that the jeans are yours and you that the music is mine. It means you achknowledge and respect my most fundamental rights…and if we trade long enough and respect eachother’s rights long enough, maybe we start to give ourselves the chance to be friends.”

“…and we believe, that you believe, that believing is all it takes to make something real.”

“Oh! You want the kind of competitiveness where nobody really tries to win, so everybody ends up an equal asshole loser, and everything sucks for everyone. We call that socialism.”

James V O’Connor: Does the individual rights have precedence over societies all and the welfare of the community?
Penn Jillette: Hello! Yes! It is the cornerstone of our Constitution and our society in the United States.

“You can’t stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws…that’s insane!”

“Believeing something sincerely, without finding out if it’s true is actually a little worse than lying. It shits on the very idea of truth. To lie, you have to understand how to find out the truth, and then choose to fake it. To be sincere you don’t have to know anything you just say what makes you feel good and spin in smug circles in your tiny, fucked up little head, happy as long as you’re true to yourself.”

“Anything illegal is dangerous because…IT’S ILLEGAL!”

“This is the question you always have to ask: Is there any evidence that would get you to change your mind? Is there any evidence you could give me that would make me not be an atheist? The answer is ‘yes’. Is there any information you could give me that could stop me from being a libertarian? The answer is yes. We always have to keep in mind what would prove to us that we are wrong. What is falsifiable in what we believe.”

“Circumstances of birth are nothing more than random and should never be a source of pride or shame.”

“Want to really get rid of this bullshit racism? Stop seeing yourself as white or black or even American! Be yourself and fuck the tribe! Not just yours, fuck everyone’s tribe. Everyone Fuck Everyone. In a few more generations, no more races so no more racism.”

“Worrying about things that are unlikely is a waste of precious life.”

“Why do they think that sex is something bad? After all, none of us would be here if it weren’t for sex, we need to get that into our heads. Everyone in our family, even grandma, was doing some fucking, and maybe liking it.”

“Duty to god ahead of country, others, and self, is the credo of suicide bombers.”

“Sure, we lie, cheat, and swindle. We’ve been known to deal in a bit of bullshit ourselves. So some of you may ask, ‘Why pee on someone else’s parade?’ One important difference: We tell you we’re lying!”

“It’s not the man that’s wrong, it’s the power that’s wrong.”

“I am so against awareness. Nevermind being aware, do something! If people are starving in the world, telling people that people are starving in the world doesn’t help at all. Feed the motherfuckers!!!”

“The lesser of two evils is still evil.”

“As long as we can change the station -and we can- there is no reason for the FCC to have any control whatsoever over the content of radio and TV.”

“We’re all offended, all the time, and we don’t have a fucking right not to be offended!”

“No end justifies the means of lying.”

“Planned Parenthood tells kids not having sex is okay, too! The difference is they realize that kids don’t fucking listen!”


Bill Maher:
“You’re supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, ‘How can a man suffer like that and forgive?’ not, ‘Romans are pussies he still has his eyes.'”

“‘There were many more boys than girls who were abused, not because the priests are gay, but because they had more access to boys.’ What a relief, that they’re just child-rapists, and not gay.” – Real Time, 2011-05-20

“New Rule: If you handle snakes to prove they won’t bite you because god is real, and then they bite you…do the math.”

“New Rule, As his first official act Barack Obama must raise Joe the Plumber’s taxes. I’m not saying he should raise all middle class taxes, just Joe. Congratulations plumber’s helper you’re in a tax bracket of one, complete with your very own tax form, the 1040FU.”

“I don’t want to live in a country where noone ever says anything that offends anyone…You know what you get when you place a premium on never offending anyone, and only saying what’s safe? You get [Mitt Romney], the least interesting man in the world.”

“Oprah’s show purports to be a lot about spirituality. If it was, then wouldn’t she tell her worshipping flock to sit down and stop losing your shit over material stuff. As for me, I don’t really know what spirituality means, but I know if you’re weeping over a sweater you don’t either. “

“There is no debate here, it’s just scientists verses non-scientists, and since the topic is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.”

“If you gave the average guy the chance, he’d vote for a fantasy world with no taxes, free beer and vagina trees.”

“You can’t change someone’s mind if they don’t have one.”

New Rule: If nobody’s clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in london this week to voice their disapproval of the G20, their basic message being: “Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”


Randall Monroe:
“It baffles me that people find HDTV impressive.”

“You don’t use science to show that you’re right, you use science to become right.”

“Telling someone who trusts you that you’re giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying–it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.”

“It’s easier to be an asshole to words than to people.”


President Barack Obama:
“One of my responsibilities as Commander in Chief is to keep an eye on robots. And I’m pleased to report that the robots you manufacture here seem peaceful…at least for now.”

“Sunshine is the best disinfectant”

“Math is not partisan.”

2010 State of the Union:
“From some on the right I expect we’ll hear a different argument; that if we just make fewer investments in our people, extend tax cuts, including those for the wealthier Americans, eliminate more regulations, maintain the status quo on healthcare, our deficits will go away. The problem is, that’s what we did for eight years.”

“We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions.”

“It’s time to try something new…let’s try common sense…a novel concept.”

“We all hated the bank bailout…I hated it, you hated it, it was about as popular as a root canal.”

“They’re tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness. They know we can’t afford it, not now.”

Talking to GOP House Issues Conference
“I don’t believe that the American people want us to focus on our job security, they want us to focus on their job security.”

“There are things more important than good poll numbers”

“What’s required by all of us…is to do what’s right for our country, even if it’s not always what’s best for our politics.”

“Our future shouldn’t be shaped by what’s best for our politics, our politics should be shaped by what’s best for our future.”

“When you say I ought to be willing to accept republican ideas on healthcare, let’s be clear: I have.”

“We have to choose whether we we’re going to be politicians first, or partners for progress; whether we’re going to put success of the polls ahead of the lasting success we can achieve together for America.”

“If you’re calling for just across the board tax cuts and then on the other hand, saying that we’re somehow going to balance our budget, I’m going to want to take a look at your math, and see how that works.”

“Wasteful spending is usually spent somehow outside of your district. Have you noticed that? The spending in your district tends to seem pretty sensible.”

“We can’t operate the coal industry in the United States as if we’re still in the 1920’s or the 1930’s or the 1950’s, we’ve got to be thinking: “what does that industry look like in the next hundred years?” and it’s going to be different, and that means there’s going to be transition, and that’s where I think a well thought through policy of incentivizing the new while, you know, recognizing that there’s going to be a transition process and we’re not just suddenly putting the old out of business right away.”

“The challenge I guess I would have for you as a freshman is: what are you doing inside your caucus to make sure that I’m not the only guy that’s responsible for this stuff? So that we’re working together.”

“Just the fact that it’s my administration that’s proposing it, shouldn’t prevent [the opposition] from supporting it.”

“I think Paul Ryan’s a pretty sincere guy and has a beautiful family…and by the way, in case he’s going to get a Republican challenge: I didn’t mean it. Don’t want to hurt you, man.”


Jon Stewart:
“What are you still angry about? Yes, government still exists, we still have ‘traffic lights.’ We’re sorry. Not everybody defines freedom as the ability to not pay taxes. Government isn’t perfect but some people wish it was better not gone.”

“You’ve confused a war on your religion, with not always getting everything you want. It’s called: being part of a society, not everything goes your way.”

“See, this is the problem with entitlements: They’re really only entitlements when they’re something other people want. When it’s something you want, they’re a halmark of a civilized society, the foundation of a great people. I just had a baby and found out, maternity leave strengthens society. But since I still have a job, unemployment benefits are clearly socialism.”

“If I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country’s peculiar relationship with guns, it might be that the phrase: ‘minor shooting incident’ exists.”

“If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world; but not with Republicans. Maybe he’s not the problem.”

“You get the sense that Obama is the first President in history that begins every press conference with a heavy sigh.”

“There are situations where police are in danger in a crowd, and they have a very difficult job in any of these situations, but in those situations the police usually don’t have time to lay down primer and two coats of pepper spray, then stop, read the directions on the can, and get it nice and mixed up!”

“Is it so wrong, We want pundits vetted!? I wanna get my news from newspeople! Not random people with an AOL account, this way the facts can be vetted, and processed, with proper journalistic integrity and authority.”

“It must be nice to be a Republican Senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking shit, and the joy of complaining that the shit you just broke doesn’t work.”

“There’s this sense of how dare you…question them. And that is the thing that I almost find more appalling than the decisions that they make, ’cause I can accept incompetence, but I cannot accept self righteous incompetence. That’s the difficulty.”

“When Finra, the financial industry regulatory agency told Corzine he needed more capital to lower his leverage, he went over their head and lobbied the SEC to make the regulators go away. Which apparently on Wall Street is an option. Like when a cop asks you or me to step out of our vehicle and we call the police commissioner and go, ‘hey, get this jackass off my behind, I got places to go, that’s why I was speeding!'”

“If we’re to complain about the messes, we have a responsibility to learn about the facts.”

“‘Is Warren Buffet a socialist?’ You really have no fucking clue what socialism is do you? ‘EH! EH, that George Clooney, always banging different broads! What a queer!'”

“We’re not the guys at the craps table betting against the line. We’d make fun of something else. If public life, if government suddenly became inspiring and moved towards people’s better nature, and began to solve problems in a rational way rather than just a way that involved political dividends. We would be the happiest people in the world to turn our attention to idiots like…you know…media people.”

Trent Franks: “If man is god, then an athiest state is as brutal as the thesis that it rests upon and there is no longer any reason for us to gather here in this place, we should just let anarchy prevail, because after all, we are just worm food.
Jon Stewart: “I guess what I’m saying here Mr. Speaker is that this four word motto is right now the only thing standing between me and a nilistic killing spree of epic proportion. Seriously, I just wanna state for the congressional record, I do not know right from wrong.”

“There’s a strange thing in our electoral process, where candidates, when they run for office, decide they have to be regular dudes, they have to be us. There’s this sort of general: ‘I’m just like you, I’m a regular joe.’ Really? You watch ten hours of TV a day, ’cause I would think you’d want to work. I don’t understand why they don’t come out and say: ‘I’m better than you, that’s why I should be president.’ ‘Cause if you’re just like me, then why am I voting for you? I should be president.”

“I have an idea: be better than me. Be way better than me! Be so much better than me that you keep me safe and get me health insurance. I don’t understand why they want to be us, we’re fucking idiots!”

“If one guy drove me into a ditch, and says ‘don’t worry I know how to drive us out of this.’ I’ll give the keys to a seven-year old at that point.”

“Fox proved that a point of view can work, I’m just saying that the point of view doesn’t necessarily have to be partisan. That you can create a network with passion that is interesting. I’m not talking about a guy sitting in front of a wall. Everyone thinks that the way to copy Fox is to make it louder and flashier, that’s not what they’re doing, that’s not why it’s working. It’s working because they know where they’re coming from, and these other networks don’t.”

What I am advocating is that the media come work for us again. That they remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they’ve developed with the power structures of corporations and of the politic.

“Two years ago America broke up with you because you had badly mistreated her, and so you disappear, do some soul searching, get your head together, and you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand and you say: ‘Baby, I know you left me. But if we get back together I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to fuck your sister every chance I get. It’s who I am baby, it’s who I am. Now, make up your mind ’cause I’m not going to ask you twice.'”

We declared war on terror…it’s not even a noun so…good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard, ennui.

“I just love the way (Sarah Palin) makes the co-equal, judicial branch of our government, set up by her beloved founding fathers, sound like a communist plot.”

“The embarassment is that I’m given credibility in this world because of the disappointment that the public has in what the news media does. Not because I have an ideological agenda.”

Impersonating generic British politician: “The right gentleman from clonishashire would like the prime minister to inform us if that is in fact his head or rather if his neck has shat a bewitched yam upon his shoulders. I yield the remainder of my time to the drunk arsehole from East-North-South and Sharsharsharshar.”

“It feels like all the people that want limited government really just want government limited to republicans.”

“Yes, the CIA’s intelligence failure that made you so mad and crazy. I remember what you did to the guy in charge of that intelligence. You totally tore that guy a new medal of freedom.”


Christopher Titus:
“What’s say you climb down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge and GET OVER IT!”

“If you’re normal, the crowd will accept you, but if you’re deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.”

“Music is dead in 2011 because lady gaga lives!”

“I am not a democrat, I’m not a republican, I don’t believe in it. I believe all it does is split us in two, makes us pissed at eachother instead of the people that are actually screwing things up.”

“If you are so far left you actually believe that somebody oaes you a job, citizenship and a free heart transplant…you’re mentally ill; and if you’re so far right you believe somebody who doesn’t have a job and who’s not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay…mentally ill.”

“When did we start giving out trophies for sucking? Because I would have been a legend!”

“‘The Village’ is dead. We give a crap about one thing, ourselves and that’s it man.”

“My father truly believed, it took a Village to raise a child, and every village needed a rogue sherriff, who played by his own rules.”

“By the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety, did you know that? You’re supposed to be worried that the rent’s not going to get paid, because that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!”

“I am not a douche, I’m a revolutionary!”


Neil deGrasse Tyson:
“There is fundamentally no business case for private enterprise to advance a space frontier. When you advance a frontier, you are making mistakes that the capital markets choose not to value, you have to create patents to enable things that you don’t know will work. Anytime you are the first person to do something on that scale, the history of human civilization has demonstrated that the only funding available to do that is via governments.”

“The state lottery is not a tax on the poor, it’s a tax on all those people who never did well in mathematics.”

“The universe is hard enough, the last thing the universe needs is a complex lexicon laid down between the communicator and the listener to confuse them about what it is they’re trying to listen to. So, in Astrophysics we tell it like it is. We don’t research latin/greek vocabulary words and invent as big a word as we can to discribe something simple.”

“The first rule of research is: the experiment has to be done before you die.”

[on his first television interview regarding a major solar storm]
“I’ve never before, in my life, seen an interview with a black person on television, for expertice that had nothing to do with being black.”


Ben “Yahtzee” Crowshaw:
Yahtzee: “So, we’ve done another Let’s Play, I hope you’re fucking happy!”
Gabe: “I literally, this is not even a word of a joke, I have a throbbing in my left temple.”
Yahtzee: “Incidentally, I do apologize to everyone for how long it took for this next one, I know you’ve been sending all your lovely little posts and reminders on my website, and my Twitter, and my YouTube account going ‘when’s the next LP?’ Well I’m sorry, I can only apologize in profuseness for the fact that I have to-”
Gabe: “Don’t apologize.”
Yahtzee: “-for the fact that I had to concentrate on things that I actually do for a living so that I can actually have money to eat food and pay rent! I’m so sorry if you didn’t have any free entertainment to numb yourself from reality for another few weeks! I’m so arsing sorry, you know!?”
Gabe: “You miserable entitled fucks! I’ve been doing university work, so that’s my excuse.”
Yahtzee: “Yes, how’s that going?”
Gabe: “Yeah, good-”
Yahtzee: “Actually I don’t care.”

A good sequel like Half-Life 2, Silent Hill 2…is one that uses the original as a jumping off point for a whole new story with whole new technology. While a bad sequel merely wallows in the original like a hippo in a vat of liquidized children.

“My secret facebook page that is only for people I actually socialize with in real life ’cause surely that’s the point.”

“The people who invented photography did not then immediately burn all the paintings.”

“Burnout is a game that hates players with a passion. If it were a fascist dictator it would build concentration camps for players and once more he’d lay every brick personally with cement mixed from his own blood that’s how much he hates you.”

“History has shown that tyranny doesn’t work out in the long run. But it has also shown that what equally doesn’t work are political systems based around the assumption that human beings won’t act like selfish dickheads.”

“If being passionate about something makes me a nerd, then I’d rather be that, than the alouf, tedious, empty-shell of a person that you are.”

“And most of the jokes are pop culture references. Not parodies, references. It’s just pointing up a Master Chief helmet on a shelf and saying ‘recognize this and laugh, you sheep.'”

“Why does a love interest sub-plot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We’d think they were all raving lunatics! Now here’s us, forcing in an out-of-place cheesy romance scene that’s more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about.”

“Yes, random is funny, isn’t it? Sometimes I set up a random number generator when I need a good laugh. Get this: First there was a three, and now there’s a nine. I’m like, whoa! That’s not the number that comes after three! My thighs are now thoroughly tenderized from all the slapping.”

“Being a harsh critic doesn’t make one evil, as hard as that may be to accept while running from an American Idol audition in floods of noisy tears. Criticism is a powerful force for good! Nothing ever improves without coming to terms with its flaws. Without critics telling us what’s stupid and what isn’t, we’d all be wearing boulders for hats and drinking down hot ebola soup for tea.”

I’m really not sure I approve of what Valve is doing with all these updates – it’s endless tinkering with something that already worked perfectly fine. And all the changeable hats business is affecting that sterling visual design I liked so much.

“I’ve been here too many times before, I delay reviewing a game and all the fans of the game feel the only possible explanation is that I’m struck dumb by how good it is but they nag me to review it anyway in order to confirm their feelings and level up their Internet cocks, and then of course I piddle all over it, in an act that you’d think would come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest grasp of pattern recognition and a wounded denial ridden nerd mob leave hate comments suggesting I must have misinterpreted my own opinion.”

“Letting fans dictate canon can be very dangerous.”

“Interface 101: the less clicks, the better.”

Sony are marketing this overpriced horsebox as not only a games machine but also a player of Blu-Ray movies, which is apparently some new format that’s better than DVD, it’s supposed to have higher definition but personally I’ve never found myself saying “Oh, Army of Darkness is still a glorious celebration of boyish fantasy violence, but if only the resolution was a wee bit bigger it could be significantly improved.” I’m not a connoisseur, but for me, there’s really not enough visible difference between Blu-Ray and DVD quality for Sony to credibly argue that it’s the next big advance.

“I can’t help feeling that Valve have missed the point of episodic gaming somewhat. The whole idea is to mix up the usual rigamarole of game publishing by having shorter games at lower prices released more frequently, and while they have aspects one and two down, they continue to struggle with three.”

“No one is knowingly evil. History’s greatest monsters all believed they were acting towards the greater good, that’s what made them so terrifying.”

“…and they want to invade the earth because they always do. What the fuck’s so great about earth? Good school districts? Handy for the shops? What?”

“I genuinely thought that the three identical characters on the first island would turn out to be a joke. Like they’re all the same fellow wearing different clothes. But no turns out they’re all based on the same model and I wasn’t supposed to notice.”

“The Conduit’s story is unique in that it’s barely fucking there and at the same time virtually impenetrable.”

“Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make, the moment you shut out their shrill tremulous voices, the happier you’ll be for it.”

“Matkinson’s death threats don’t surprise me. If you constantly ignore reasonable arguments, anarchy is all we have left.”

“It’s alright, you can swear on the internet. Your mom probably isn’t going to read it. I know because she’s too busy being fucked by ME.”

“Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it’s been a lot easier to just assume everything’s shit until it can prove itself otherwise; I like to call it the ‘Guantanamo Bay’ approach to reviewing.”

“The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him and then never fucking stopped!”

“What’s with all the fuckskulls going OOH YOU’RE A BIG TWITTER FANBOY NOW? It’s just a tool. It’s like saying I’m a fan of my desk.”

“Anyway, the Heavenly SwordS demo uses the bold story telling technique known as telling us bugger all and throws us right into the game in medias res.”

“I’d rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind.”

Of course, the problem with playing it alone, is that when you finally do get your mates around, suddenly you’ve turned into That Guy. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. That Guy who’s so much better then everyone else at the game, because he plays it on his own, the loser. Suddenly you’re not in it for fun anymore, and the goonish grins of your uncoordinated friends fill you with contempt. Soon you seek out other That Guys for the sake of a decent challenge. And then you’re lost. You’re a fan-boy. Congratulations, line up for your free t-shirt and cat ears.

Imagine a world where sequels are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we’d miss out on genuinely good sequels like Thief 2 or Half-Life 2, but I think that’s a small price to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no franchises, so there’d be less fandom, so all the nerds would go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases. And best of all, endings would have to have some fucking closure! Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous “to be continued” bullshit, when you have no idea if you’re even going to make a sequel, would be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for recurring themes and metaphors, and remakes would carry the death penalty!

“All games must stand up on its single-player. If a game is only fun when you and your friends do it together then that’s a review of your friends, not the game.”

“I don’t want to have to wade through waist-high rendering plant runoff to find the good levels, especially when I can do that just by playing the story mode. You know, the levels designed by professional fucking level designers. If I buy a house, I want an architect to design it. If I design it myself, it may have a more personal touch but it’s going to fall over very fast and even if it doesn’t the giant fibreglass breasts on the front will be very tacky, and the neighbours will complain when the gingerbread garage starts to smell.”

“You see, there are various different kinds of gamer, defined by the reasons they play games. Some do it to test their skills, some to find all the secrets, and some people like to see things brought to a conclusion. I’m probably one of the latter.”

“I’m not sure why Mafia II and indeed Mafia 1 felt they needed to be open world because they’re both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions and largely the only activity available between missions is shleping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job to which I would say: PISS OFF! This is a game! Games are fun! I want to nob prostitutes while singing songs from Buggzy Malone, and say ‘fugged abahd it’ without irony.”


Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri:
“Man’s unfailing capacity to believe what he prefers to be true rather than what the evidence shows to be likely and possible has always astounded me. We long for a caring Universe which will save us from our childish mistakes, and in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary we will pin all our hopes on the slimmest of doubts. God has not been proven not to exist, therefore he must exist.” – Academician Prokhor Zakharov, “For I Have Tasted The Fruit”

“If our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are at last ready to accept life’s fundamental truth: that life’s only purpose is life itself.” – Chairman Sheng-ji Yang, “Looking God in the Eye”

“Why do you insist that the human genetic code is “sacred” or “taboo”? It is a chemical process and nothing more. For that matter -we- are chemical processes and nothing more. If you deny yourself a useful tool simply because it reminds you uncomfortably of your mortality, you have uselessly and pointlessly crippled yourself.” – Chairman Sheng-ji Yang, “Looking God in the Eye”

“Companions the creator seeks, not corpses, not herds and believers. Fellow creators the creator seeks–those who write new values on new tablets. Companions the creator seeks, and fellow harvesters; for everything about him is ripe for the harvest.” – Friedrich Nietzsche, “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Datalinks

“Remember, genes are NOT blueprints. This means you can’t, for example, insert ‘the genes for an elephant’s trunk’ into a giraffe and get a giraffe with a trunk. There -are- no genes for trunks. What you CAN do with genes is chemistry, since DNA codes for chemicals. For instance, we can in theory splice the native plants’ talent for nitrogen fixation into a terran plant.” – Academician Prokhor Zakharov, “Nonlinear Genetics”

“The popular stereotype of the researcher is that of a skeptic and a pessimist. Nothing could be further from the truth! Scientists must be optimists at heart, in order to block out the incessant chorus of those who say ‘It cannot be done.'” – Academician Prokhor Zakharov, University Commencement

“Look at any photograph or work of art. If you could duplicate exactly the first tiny dot of color, and then the next and the next, you would end with a perfect copy of the whole, indistinguishable from the original in every way, including the so-called “moral value” of the art itself. Nothing can transcend its smallest elements.” – CEO Nwabudike Morgan, “The Ethics of Greed”

“You are orphans, earthdeirdre, your homeworld already buried so young among the aeons. Yet now you fill the skies where we watched a million sunsets with flame and contrails, paying no heed to the hard lessons the universe has tried to teach you. Are you a breath of life to invigorate a complacent world, you earthhumans, or an insidious cancer which must be excised?” – Lady Deirdre Skye, “Conversations With Planet”

“Some would ask, how could a perfect God create a universe filled with so much that is evil. They have missed a greater conundrum: why would a perfect God create a universe at all?” – Sister Miriam Godwinson, “But for the Grace of God”

“War is war; destruction is destruction. You think this is obvious. But war is not destruction, it is victory. To achieve victory, simply appear to give the opponent what he wants and he will go away, or join you in your quest for additional power.” – Datatech Sinder Roze, “Information Burns”

“To map the very stuff of life; to look into the genetic mirror and watch a million generations march past. That, friends, is both our curse and our proudest achievement. For it is in reaching to our beginnings that we begin to learn who we truly are.” – Academician Prokhor Zakharov, “Address to the Faculty”

“Human behavior is economic behavior. The particulars may vary, but competition for limited resources remains a constant. Need as well as greed have followed us to the stars, and the rewards of wealth still await those wise enough to recognize this deep thrumming of our common pulse.” – CEO Nwabudike Morgan, “The Centauri Monopoly”

“As distances vanish and the people can flow freely from place to place, society will cross a psychological specific heat boundary and enter a new state. No longer a solid or liquid, we have become as a vapor and will expand to fill all available space. And like a gas, we shall not be easily contained.” – Sister Miriam Godwinson, “But for the Grace of God”

“As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth’s final century, free flow of information is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on information flow will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on public discourse has begun its rapid slide into despotism. Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master.” – Commissioner Pravin Lal, “U.N. Declaration of Rights”

“The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.” – Konstantin Tsiolkovsky, The Father of Rocketry, Datalinks


Stargate:
Major John Sheppard: I think people who don’t want to fly are crazy.
Brigadier General Jack O’Neill: And I think people who don’t want to go through the Stargate are equally as whacked.

“Look, the universe may seem mystical to those without understanding when in truth anything and everything can be quantified.” – Rodney McKay

“I mean, to me, life is about working towards achievement, you know? Discovering things…I mean, once you know it all, what do you do then?” – Rodney McKay


Star Trek:
“The best thing about life at sea Will was that no one could reach you. This was freedom, Will.” – Picard

Borg Queen: “They left behind their trivial, selfish lives, and they’ve been reborn with a greater purpose. We’ve delivered them from chaos into order.”
Seven of Nine: “Comforting words. Use them next time instead of ‘Resistance is futile.’ You may elicit a few volunteers.”

“There are three things to remember about being a starship captain: keep your shirt tucked in, go down with the ship, and never abandon a member of your crew.” – Janeway

“Imagination frees the mind, it inspires ideas and solutions and it can provide a great deal of pleasure. Human progress…the human mind itself couldn’t exist without them.” – Janeway

“Some professors like students who challenge their assumptions B’Elanna, as so do some captains.” – Captain Janeway

“An open mind, the essence of intellect.” – Garak

“Some of the darkest chapters in the history of my world involved the forced relocation of a small group of people to satisfy the demands of a large one.” – Picard

“This is no time to be arguing about time! We don’t have the time!” – Deanna Troi

Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling…anxiety, it is an intriguing sensation. A most distracting-
Picard: Data, I’m sure it’s a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now.
Data: Good idea sir…done.
Picard: Data, there are times that I envy you.

“FACTS BE DAMNED! Names, dates, places, it’s all open to interpretation, who’s to say what really happened, and ultimately, what difference does it make? What matters is today, and the future of your people.” – The Doctor

“Believing oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional mind.” – Data

“I won’t risk half the quadrant to satisfy our curiosity, it’s arrogant and it’s irresponsible. The final frontier has some boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed, and we’re looking at one.” – Janeway

Jadzia Dax: “The magnetic deflection of a runabout’s hull is extremely weak. The probes will never be able to detect it.”
Miles O’Brien: “They will if I outfit them with a differential magnetometer.”
Jadzia Dax: “A differential magnetometer?”
Miles O’Brien: “Mm-hmm.”
Jadzia Dax: “I’ve never heard of a differential magnetometer. How does it work?”
Miles O’Brien: “I’ll let you know as soon as I finish making one.”

Data: “Oh yes! I hate this! It is revolting!”
Guinan: “More?”
Data: “Please.”

“They feared me so much they had to lock me away for eternity, and when they did that they were saying that the individual’s rights will be protected only so long as they don’t conflict with the state. Nothing is so dangerous to a society.” – Quinn

“If you want my professional opinion, as ship’s counselor… he’s nuts!” – Deanna Troi

“Don’t let them promote you. Don’t let them transfer you, don’t let them do anything that takes you off the bridge of that ship, because while you’re there, you can make a difference.” – Kirk to Picard


Other:
“If no one’s an expert than everyone’s an expert.” – Joey Albeitz

“Well, okay, then let’s finally talk about the enemy. For some reason, nobody seems to be talking about who we’re up against, and the sixth century barbarism that they actually represent. These people saw people’s heads off. They enslave women, they genitally mutilate their daughters, they do not behave by any cultural norms that are sensible to us. I’m speaking into a microphone that never could have been a product of their culture, and I’m living in a city where three thousand of my neighbours were killed by thieves of airplanes they never could have built.” – Frank Miller

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey

“Could part of this be, is that we have created a culture where the only male entertainment which is not frowned upon is beating somebody up at a hockey rink, or shooting people in video games? Is that the only thing that males are able to do?” – John de Lancie

“Despite my assholism, I’m just trying to help.” – Kirby, to Rarity, in what appears to be a Lovecraftian prison…don’t ask.

“When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.” – Jonathan Swift

“When I like (science fiction) the best is when it’s an allegory for what it is to be human, and not just learn more about how much the aliens look like insects.” – Bill Pullman

“I find it disappointing that a society that was over 99% female would still be a patriarchy.” – Dan Shive, author and Illustrator, El Goonish Shive

“If you want to achieve faster-than-light travel, let Haruhi on your spaceship. She’ll simply ignore the theory of relativity for you.” – Kyon

“It’s unfair to deny them their essential humanity, just because they’ve lived longer then us…that’s insane.” – Alex Flag, Executive Editor, celebuzz.com

“I speak the truth! How dare I!” – Cade Metz, Register

“Did I flip over two pages at once?” – Lewis “Linkara” Lovhaug

“To reduce life to…how many?…140 [characters]…just seems to me a little bit simplistic. Maybe I like complexity and abstraction too much.” – Patrick Stewart

“Common sense and scientific sense often don’t mix, because the things that we intuitively believe as common sense sometimes are wrong.” – Leon Botstein

“I don’t work out because we don’t know yet enough about the long-term effects. It appears that each hour of exercise may add two hours to one’s life – but I don’t know of any evidence that this leads to getting better ideas.” – Marvin Minsky, pioneer of Artificial Intelligence at MIT

“It is the eleventh year of the 21st century. Anyone in the civilized world, child or not, who does not already know that gay people exist, is not innocent, they’re ignorant. Big difference.” – Movie Bob

“If you are on the far right or the far left, you know what you’ve done now? You’ve gone too far.” – Richard Jeni

“A person who is prone to act on his fantasies will likely do so irrespective of the availability of pornography.” – Duncan Shaw, former British Columbia Supreme Court Justice

“Not everyone realizes that before the turn of the 20th century, most poetry and art was pretty much created with the intent of being, you know, understood.” – J.F. Sargent

“I was a catholic too once…I got better.” – Dr. Vera Juarez

“As long as there has been one true god there has been killing in his name.” – Someone From The DaVinci Code

“There’s only one legitimate reason to levy a tax, and that’s to raise money. Anything you try to accomplish with taxes other than raising money is a corruption.” – Dick Armey, former United States House of Representatives Majority Leader

“The best thing parents could do would be just to try to remember what it feels like to be a kid, from time to time.” – Judith Levine, author of Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children From Sex

“In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes.” – Andrea Fay Friedman

“What’s the difference between bad intelligence and gossip? It’s like “He’s got WMD’s,” and “I think he broke up with somebody!” – Garry Shandling

“Governors have no right to seek and take what they please; instead of being content with the station assigned them, that of honourable servants of society, they instead become absolute masters, despots, and tyrants.” – Samuel Adams

“I’m into the indie scene now! I’ll be off listening to bands you kids have never even heard of! And then…when they go major…I’ll be there to complain about how they sold out!” – Uzuki Yashiro from The World Ends With You

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” – Salvor Hardin (Foundation by Issac Asimov)

“Unless you’re Deep Throat or in the Witness Protection Program anonymity is cowardice. You’re in a mob, you’re lobbing smack from the cheap seats!” – Will McAvoy (The Newsroom)

“I’m too old to be governed by fear of dumb people.” – Charlie Skinner (The Newsroom)

“Sometimes the only kind option for some animals is to put them to sleep forever.” – Ingrid Newkirk, Founder and President of P.E.T.A.

“The divide between the genders may be dwindling…but the gap, in my opinion, is still large. If you look around you, people still insult boys by comparing them to girls (“pick up the pace, ladies!”) and praise girls by comparing them to boys (“wow, you draw as good as a guy!” – to quote what someone once said to me when I was a student).” – Lauren Faust, creator of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

“Maybe the Earth would be better off without us. Safe and clean and perfect, like a toy nobody ever played with. Pretty and pointless.” – Emily Horne and Joey Comeau; creators, “a Softer World.”

“I want a leader I can relate to, who’s like me or worse.” – Rob Riggle

“People are so easily offended, and they believe they have the right, if they are offended, to shut the person up who offends them.” – David French, former President of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education

“I actually went on TV the other day and said that ‘so this proves that you know the mac is just as vulnerable to attack as anything else’ and immediately I got emails saying what I had said was ‘disgusting’.” – Lance Ulanoff, after CanSecWest ’08 where a Mac was hacked in 12 minutes.

“Most of them are clinically insane.” – John C. Dvorak, referring to Mac fanboys

“If you don’t vote you’re a moron.” – Craig Ferguson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRVQ4xwwmQ)

“We have socialism for the rich and capitalism for everybody else.” – Robert Reich, author, Supercapitalism

“Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fuckin’ fool…No normal, decent person is one thing.” – Chris Rock

“People say: ‘this has already been reported.’ Well actually it hasn’t been reported, and I know, because I reported on it the first time.” – Tucker Carlson

“The thing about storybooks is that they end, reality goes on forever – where would you want to meet your perfect mate?” – Christopher J. Paulsen

“When you’re sent to an image consultant and said that you look like a stripper and you talk bad and you’re hurting the campaign when, you know, there’s a pregnent teen there, it does a little bit to your self esteem.” – Meghan McCain

“False Dichotomy: This is when you say there are only two choices when actually there are more. For instance you might say that someone is either alive or they’re dead, ignoring the fact that they might be Dracula, or you might say that if someone’s not a Democrat then they must be some sort of Republican, ignoring the very real possibility that they could be Dracula. The most common usage of this fallacy is in the phrase, ‘You’re either with us or against us, Dracula.’ Dracula’s against you.” – Lore Sjoberg, professional sarcast (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyK1LTfLXiM)

“Many [people] seem so afraid of appearing the slightest bit immature or kid like that they forget that doing so occationally is actually a key aspect of true maturity. No matter how old or wise we get we all still love something that society considers immature. And sometimes a key sign of maturity is embrasing that and accepting it instead of turning away and saying, ‘Nah that’s kid stuff I’m way too grown up for that now.'” – James Portnow

“Remember: People still sell snake oil. They just put pictures of leaves on the bottle now.” – Christina H of Cracked

“But when push comes to shove, You gotta do what you love, Even if it’s not a good idea.” – Some guy on Futurama

“I would never advocate against setting aside a day once a year to go all-out to impress your significant other, but why pin that to a day when a Saint was beheaded?” – Brian Alkerton

“As often happens, something which is done to give the appearance of making things simpler actually makes them more complicated.”

“That’s right, selling band candy turned me into a drug dealer.” – Rob Paravonian

“I think the best comedy is always offending somebody.” – David Mirkin, Producer, The Simpsons

“One of the things I love about current fandom is that people are so invested in the show that they are willing to criticise the show to our faces.” – Matt Groening, creator, The Simpsons

“I have a thousand friends and I feel more alone than ever.” – Lisa Simpson

“Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.” – Marge Simpson

“Governors have no right to seek and take what they please.”

“Anything that’s good for political writers is bad for humanity.” – P.J. O’Rourke

“A person is smart, people are dumb, panicy, dangerous animals and you know it!” – Agent K

“If you want to play it safe, you’re not going to have liberty.” – Ron Collins

“These Mac fanboys are clearly masochists that’ll just take as much abuse as Apple is willing to throw their way.” – Dan Goodin, Register

“If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god.”

“People think of humor as being frivolous. But it’s not. It’s just a different kind of wisdom.” – Dennis Miller

“It shows the fact that peoples, you know, they’re cumming their pants because Apple made the phone, LG puts out the exact same fucking phone and people are like, ‘yeah, it’s alright…it’s okay.'” – Alex Albrecht, comparing the LG KE850 to the iPhone

“Lackluster Video takes a strong moral stance against pornography, open mindedness and non-Christians.”

“I brought my guitar if you’re nice to me I’ll play you a song, if you’re not nice to me I’ll play you a song by Creed.” – Rob Paravonian


Lisa: Why can’t you just admit we’re lost?
Bart: I’ll tell you what’s lost: your sense of adventure.
Lisa: Just ask those guys for directions.
Kearney: Hmm. Anti-nuclear activist Dr. Helen Caldicott? Director Julie Taymor? Do you love these women?
Jimbo: They’re okay, I guess.
Dolph: Let’s just skip to the Windsor knot instructions.
Lisa: Excuse me, boys. My brother is lost, and kind of a jerk. If he’d brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we would…
Bart: Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don’t have to come home to you!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, don’t say things you can’t take back.
Bart: It’s out there. Deal with it!
Lisa: Oh, great. Now you woke the baby.
Bart: I told you we should have left her with your mother!
Lisa: My God, Bart, what happened to us?
Bart: We grew up.