In case you haven’t noticed, for the past six weeks this blog has been pretty empty. Though it might have been more than six weeks…I don’t have a good update schedule.

So the reason for that is, I was on my work placement for college. This was the second time I went on my work placement, only this time it was successful, primarily because I didn’t sleep-in ’til 11 on two separate occasions. Yeah, I fucked that up. Turns out humans need sleep. Who knew?

So the good news is this time I was successful, and now I’m officially a J-School graduate. YAY!

You know this is the first time I have felt proud about something this much. I graduated College! I remember getting my High School diploma, could not have cared less. But this…this is exciting. For the first time I framed one of these things…certificates. Never did that before. In the past, my mom framed them, not me. In fact, she still has all of them. I guess I never cared in the past because I set my standards higher. Graduating high school is something one just does. You don’t get credit for that, it’s like waking up in the morning, and I have a bunch of ancillary certificates that don’t actually mean anything other than I participated in a summer camp. No one gives a shit, least of all me. Of course they ended up on my Resume because there was too much white space otherwise.

So, anyway, during that six week placement, various things happened and I had an epiphany. I am a jackass.

Now, what do I mean by that? Well, the truth is, I tend to insult people, be mean, make jokes at their expense. Now deep down I always knew I did this, but I really didn’t think much of it. It’s only now I realized I have a tendency to alienate those I care most about, thanks to comments by my good old friend Matt, and my good new friend Nadine.

So, I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m such a jackass and I’ve come up with a few theories:

Number one: It’s a defence mechanism.
Back in elementary school, I was picked on a lot. The teasing went down quite significantly once I transferred out of the Catholic School Board―yeah, that’s right, I started life as a Catholic―but I think the underlying scars stayed with me, and like I said, it went down, it didn’t go away. So thanks all you assholes in high school, who thought it was a good idea to spread bullshit rumours about how I wanted to kill people, with your only source of evidence being: I had a PDA. I didn’t say they were smart, I said they were assholes. Anyway, the point is, my jackassiness came as a result of a defence mechanism. Get them before they get me kind of thing. It’s worked pretty well, but it’s difficult to turn off.

Number two: I can’t lie.
I know this may sound odd, but think about it. If someone is about to drive away from the bar after having seven Rocky Mountain Bear Fuckers, you could let him drive away and do nothing, you could politely take his keys away and call a cab, or you could take his keys away, bitch-slap him seven times (one for each shot) and then call him a cab. I always prefer the last one, because it’s the most truthful.

Number three: I can’t shut up.
It’s the creative side of me. I think of something clever, it just comes out, no matter how offensive it is. Primarily because I find it hilarious. But it goes beyond that. One could easily argue the old adage: If you can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. But I don’t buy that. It’s basically saying all negative speech should be kept to one’s self, and as a great man once said, “Criticism is a powerful force for good! Nothing ever improves without coming to terms with its flaws. Without critics telling us what’s stupid and what isn’t, we’d all be wearing boulders for hats and drinking down hot Ebola soup for tea.” Which brings me to….

Number four: Yahtzee.
THIS SON OF A BITCH RUBBED OFF ON ME! I was first exposed to the work of Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw, probably about a year and a half ago. In case you don’t know who he is, he’s the douchebag responsible for the profanity-filled weekly video game review video on The Escapist: Zero Punctuation. He is one of the harshest and meanest critics I have ever found online, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I mentioned earlier. His brutal honesty is something I respect, and I’m probably not the only one to realize how this can be a bad thing. Am I alone in adopting personality traits from others? I’d like to think we all do it, I mean I’m sure we can all find certain aspects of our personality, the things we do and say, that we borrowed from others. It’s not like we all are that unique, no matter what our kindergarten teacher said. Now, I’m not going to presume all people do this, do I look like Sigmund fucking Freud?

Number five: I don’t actually mean it.
This is good because I can actually give an example to support this theory. Sometimes, even though I may say something clever that some construe as mean, I never really intended to say that, I just thought it was clever, and thought others might see it that way. For example, there was a girl on Twitter who was showing off her outfit that day for an anime convention she was attending. I honestly liked it, if I was a chick I would so be rocking those stylez. But I noticed she was wearing a pink wig, and a hat shaped like a marry-go-round. I vaguely dissed her wig (which, looking back, would have been a great opportunity to reference cotton candy), and as for the hat…I suggested next year she wear a roller coaster, and the year after that an entire amusement park. Now, why did I say that? I have absolutely no fucking idea. Though it was clever. That must have been the real reason, I thought it was clever and funny. I really gained nothing from that. I feel now like I was just being a dick. No one gained anything from that. Though I wonder how one would make a roller coaster hat…

Number six: The Golden Rule.
Ahhhh, the golden rule. The foundation of morality. All the faiths in the world have some form of the golden rule. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Now one may ask what that has to do with this, I mean I obviously fail at that right? Try again… I always get the feeling that every one of my friends hate me. You know the old saying, it’s the sucker rule, every group of friends has that one friend that everyone talks shit about behind the others back, and if you can’t spot this person, you are this person. I have never spotted this person. Now it’s possible I’m jumping to conclusions. But my point is, I’d rather if people talk shit about me, they do it to my face. It’s offensive to talk shit behind someone else’s back, or talk anything behind someone else’s back, and I generally hate doing it. So basically, the way I treat others, is exactly the same way I want to be treated.

Now, any of these explanations, or a combination of them, might explain my jackassy nature. But it definitely doesn’t excuse it. I’m sure I could tone it down, significantly. My attitude towards people has never been antagonistic, but I can see why people might think it is. So it needs work.

I can start by laying off the booze. No more drinking for me. I said that once before, but this time…oh who am I kidding, I’ll be back off the wagon in a matter of weeks…and I still have that bottle of wine I never opened and don’t know if it’s good, as far as I know it’s swill. HOLY CRAP! I ALSO HAVE A BOTTLE OF SAKE!!! Gotta do something with those that won’t involve me getting hammered and making an ass of myself. I’m sure I can limit my drinking to one per evening I’m out with friends. That’ll work. Though for now, I’m sticking with zero.

Then there’s my overall attitude. I need to learn to calm down and not try to be the centre of attention. Though that could be the damn booze again. I need to learn to shut my goddamn mouth and listen to people instead of continually talking. That would definitely help.

It’ll be a process…wish me luck.